JACKSON HOLE, WY—In a move sources called the result of an extreme obsession with career, Michigan Circuit Court Judge Vance Daniel spent a rare week away from his Detroit courtroom in the Wyoming Rockies, relentlessly judging his wife and three children. Daniel, who earns a living passing judgement upon people and things, reportedly began his vacation by transitioning seamlessly from work-related to domestic judgement. “He always has to be judging something, whether it’s the merits of a civil case or the way I cook his eggs in the morning,” said wife Amy Daniel, who eventually regretted forcing the Clinton-appointed justice to leave his legal briefs behind for the family’s seven-day ski trip. “I guess judgment is just a part of who he is.” Reached for comment, Daniel’s 16-year-old son Trent told reporters that it is wrong for them to intrude into his father’s personal life.

LOS ANGELES—Los Angeles bus driver Alonzo Reyes is perpetually the wealthiest person onboard the 32-seat public transit vehicle he drives along Metro line 219 for six hours every weekday, local sources announced Friday. “I’m doing really well compared to the people I pick up on my route,” said the Class B license holder, who, thanks to his membership in an effective labor union, enjoys a $34,500 annual salary and a comprehensive benefits package. “I make enough to feed my kids and pay rent on a decent apartment, but for everyone I drive across town, the $1.50 fare is a major expense.” At press time, sources confirmed that Reyes had completed his shift for the day and was driving home in the shittiest car within a half-mile stretch of freeway.

UNITED STATES—In the wake of the November 2012 re-election of U.S. President Barack Obama, the nation’s 300 million citizens are nervously anticipating the results of the upcoming presidential inauguration, sources confirmed Monday. The looming public ceremony, which will take place a day later than the official swearing-in, has generated considerable excitement among a populace eager to learn who will head its executive branch until January 2017. “This is truly a toe-curling moment,” said Harrisburg, PA resident Judy Marlowe, who hosts a presidential inauguration party in her home every four years. “When someone is inaugurated president, that person becomes president, plain and simple.” At press time, the citizenry reported that it had not been this nervous since the moments leading up to the presentation of the Vince Lombardi Trophy after the New York Giants’ 2012 Super Bowl victory.

OAK BROOK, IL—Amid mounting criticism over its exemption from key provisions of the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, the McDonald’s Corporation announced Thursday that it would begin offering comprehensive medical insurance to any worker who voluntarily surrenders his or her right to purchase McDonald’s food at reduced prices. “We’re pleased to offer robust medical benefits to employees with even the most rudimentary sense of respect for their bodies,” said spokesperson Jennifer Cloven, adding that the restaurant chain expects the new program to reduce participants’ medical costs by more than 80 percent. In a further move Cloven said would take effect later this year, McDonald’s will require workers who enroll in the company-sponsored health plan to sign an affidavit promising never to consume anything, discounted or not, prepared inside a McDonald’s restaurant.

OLATHE, KS—According to reports from patrons, locally-owned Chinese restaurant Grand Hunan Palace uses the exact same sequence of characters to represent its name in every written instance throughout its interior and exterior.  “It’s the only Chinese restaurant I can be absolutely certain is the same restaurant from the time I first see the sign in the parking lot to the end of the month when I review my credit card statement,” said regular customer Jessica Mattson, adding that not one company-owned surface refers to the restaurant as “Hunan Grand Palace,” “Palace Grand Hunan Taste,” or simply “Chinese Food.” Providing an atmospheric element more in tune with traditional Chinese restaurants, noted Mattson, is a handwritten sign threatening swift retribution against anyone caught filling water cups with soda.